Sunday, January 5, 2014

Here is an excerpt from a novel that I am working on with Britton Kemp. Please comment and tell me what you think, suggestions, etc. Also, we will be having a poll soon about some of the names for our characters, so keep checking the blog.

Miram woke up, he was freezing cold. It was too cold to try and go back to sleep so he decided to practice his spells. He could move almost everything, except the cottage and the shack. He couldn't make them disappear either.
He was about to go back to bed when he saw movement out of the corner of his eye. He turned around just in time to see a figure dash behind a tree. It was so quick that Miram was unsure if he had actually seen it or if it was just his imagination. He stared at the tree. Then, he saw it again, this time more clearly. It seemed to be a small figure wearing black and green-spotted clothing.
“The clothes must be some type of camouflage.” Miram thought. “But why would this person want to hide from me?”
Miram hurried into his shack and grabbed his sword. Then, he rushed into the forest after the figure. Occasionally, he caught glimpses of the person, enough to know the direction which they were headed. He saw the clearing up ahead, and he knew he had a choice to make. Gerard had said to never pass the clearing. But, Miram felt confident in his experience, and he was curious about the figure he was following, so he continued on.
Miram was worried, it had been roughly fifteen minutes since he had last seen the figure, and he was afraid that he had lost it.
That fear faded quickly though, because in front of him, he saw a dragon. It was a huge, winged beasts with thousands of turquoise scales protecting its body. It had a long neck with red eyes and razor sharp fangs.

In that moment, Miram wished that he would never have passed the clearing.

Please comment with your feedback.
Thanks,
Anna

6 comments:

  1. Wow, this really caught my interest--and with such small excerpt, too! I'm really wanting to get to know this character that lives in a shack/cottage in the middle of a..forest? Am I right in guessing that? I'm definitely a sucker for dragons and your scaly beast looks wonderful, I love the way you described it. Can't wait to hear more! (As a side question, is there specific feedback you're looking for?) Keep writing. And write some more. And some more after that. And some more! Can't wait to read it!

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  2. I agree with Blythe. The excerpt very much caught my interest. It flows nicely and you provided a lot of detail. The only thing I see that might make it even better would be to use a few more action verbs, as opposed to passive.

    Be careful with "has, was, is" and so forth.

    For instance, "Gerard had said..." is passive. If you use words like warned, cautioned, etc...it's more descriptive and captures our attention even more than you already have.

    You've got a great imagination. I like this already! Good luck with the story. I look forward to reading it!

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  3. I came up with that part of the story then anna wrote it

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  4. Blythe, we aren't looking for any specific feedback really. Mostly just if you like it or not, and ways we can make it better, and anything else.
    Thanks!

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  5. Bev, thanks for the feedback. I will definitely add in more action verbs.

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