Also, comment some names for the character name contest. You can comment the names on this post, or any other previous posts.
Here's the excerpt:
“I am going to cast a protection spell on you, so that we can do a quick duel without getting hurt.” Gerard said.
“Duel? Already? You’ve hardly taught me anything.” Miram exclaimed
“Well the best way to learn is to just try it out. Same with the spells I have taught you.”
“Oh, well…” Miram said nervously. “I guess we could try.”
Gerard did the protection spell and they proceeded to the duel.
“Go.” Gerard shouted.
Miram started rushed after Gerard and quickly did a defensive move as Gerard started to hammer Miram with his sharp sword. Miram thought fast and dodged the blow and moved into the stance that Gerard had showed him.
Miram blocked the next jab Gerard sent his way and counter attacked by jabbing back. Luckily, one of his jabs hit Gerard, but only slightly in the thigh. Gerard quickly reacted to the attack and slashed Mirams forehead, leaving a river of blood streaming down his nose and dripping off onto the ground. Miram slashed back, missing Gerard. Then he changed back to the defensive stance quickly. Gerard threw a jab that nearly hit Miram. Miram took the opportunity to slash back, but the attack was dodged in a fast jumping motion by Gerard. During the motion, Gerard slashed Miram waist, leaving him crippled. Gerard removed the protection spell and Mirams wounds healed.
The duel was over.
Remember to comment your feedback and name ideas!!!!!!
Thanks,
Anna
I love the idea of that protective spell, making practice more realistic! I am really intrigued by this magical world, can't wait to find out more about it. Suggestions, just for flow--I would take out "and they proceeded to the duel," I don't think you need it with the way he shouts "Go" right afterward. And I think you could take out either "started" or "rushed" when you're describing Miram's first attack. So just word flow, basically :) And there were one or two possessives (apostrophes) left out, but that's just technical stuff. Great job! I really enjoy reading your stuff!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the advice Blythe, we'll make sure to change those so that it flows better :)
ReplyDeleteOkay. A couple of things:
ReplyDelete1) Miram sounds too girlish a name to be a boy. It was throwing me off. Too much like Miriam;
2) Gerard better have some serious magic ability to cast that protection spell. This is a great idea that the wounds heal, but that would take immense power. And what if someone was accidentally struck dead? Would they resurrect back to life when the protective spell was removed? I love the idea, you just need to think about it and make sure it matches with Gerard's ability.
3) Avoid passive voice. Don't say "the attack was dodged", but rather: "Gerard jumped quickly to the side and avoided the attack". Make a person the subject of the sentence. This is a good general rule of writing. You can break it sometimes, but most of the time you should not use passive voice. It weakens your writing.
That's good advice Aaron and Gerard is considered to be one of the best wizards in the world so he would definitely have the ability to cast the protection spell
ReplyDeleteand anna and I kind of made the spell that no harm can happen to you while your under the spell
ReplyDeleteso you would probably just come back to life
ReplyDelete